Deliberating…

I have a small dilemma…

Ok, it’s actually a major dilemma.

I’ve always foreseen myself being a mom. When I say always, I mean since I was a toddler. I’ve gone back and forth between wanting a huge family and a tiny one, never deciding with would suit me more. But I’ve never seen myself not having kids.

But I can also go back to school.

I could go back to school and actually be really good at something.

But by the time I was done with school N and I would want to start having kids. And then what?

If slash when we do have kids, I have always had every intention of being a stay at home mom. How as a mom am I going to instill quality values during the 30 minute commute to daycare and the two hour making-dinner/feeding-child/bathtime/storytime/bed hurricane that occurs nightly? I don’t want to have to come up with an answer to that question. Daycare providers mean well but most people don’t have the same values that my husband and I do and I’m highly distrustful of anyone else with my hypothetical child.

So say I go back and finish my bachelors and start looking at grad schools. If I decided that was the path I’d want to go down (and it likely would be) then I’m postponing having children even further. And what sort of woman get a masters degree just to stay home all day with her kids? I mean, I only know of a few SAHMs who have degrees much less have done any graduate work.

I know it sounds like I’m belittling moms when I say “just to stay at home all day with her kids” – that is not my intention whatsoever. Children are the most important investment of your life and I want to make sure I am in a position to give them all that I can. Mothers and fathers have THE most important job in the world. I only have 24 hours in my day – I want to give as much time as I can to my kids if I have them.

Just to clarify, I have no problem with what other moms do. So long kids aren’t being abused, I take no issue with anyone’s choices nor do I have an emotional investment in what anyone else does. This is my personal issue. For me, I will either wait to have kids until I can stay at home or not have them. If you have a great daycare (my mother runs one!) use it. It’s just not something that I’m going to do.

So I’m deliberating…

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