I’ve been struggling to trust God patiently as of late.
I’m not sure why. I understand that prayer doesn’t usually present an answer immediately after being sent out. But for some reason, I have a hard time focusing on anything but now.
As fate (or not) would have it, today I stumbled across Jill McCloghry’s blog this afternoon. For those of you who don’t know her story, you should go check it out. I was immediately drawn to her pre-pregnancy blogging about how much it hurt to be waiting and waiting and waiting for God to bless her and her husband with another child.
You see, their first baby was born at 23 weeks. Barely halfway through the pregnancy. He lived for a short 10 hours in the hospital.
Jill confessed that she at times felt a bit angry with God. After all, it had been two years since Max had passed and they were still waiting and waiting and waiting for two lines on the pregnancy test.
I connected with her frustration in an instant although I’m not trying to conceive a child. The idea that we resonate on the inside with thoughts of “God, haven’t I learned my lesson? Haven’t I waited long enough?!” took hold of me in a very serious way. How dare I question God’s faithfulness? Hasn’t he given me exceedingly, abundantly above already? Of course, the answer is yes! I deserve hell – anything more is the unmerited, undeserved (or will-deserved) favor of God. My health, my husband, my job, my car, our pantry filled with food and church filled with friends are all things I forget to thank him for every day. I go through my day muttering “God, please help” when I should be thankful that I’m not going to (or already in!) hell.
The fun part about reading Jill’s blog is that when she wrote it, she didn’t know that she was (or at least was about to be) pregnant. She was talking about how hard it was to wait when the answer was literally already inside of her. Wow. God is good – so good that he answers our prayers before we even know they’ve been answered and are still complaining about how long it’s taking.
I needed to be reminded of this today. And I need to continue reminding myself of it every day for the rest of my life.