It was about two months ago I guess…
I was severely discontent. It was a really rough spot in the transition from the thinking behind “God will give you whatever you want” to “the purpose of life is to glorify God”.
The realization that life is not about me (or getting my way) (or having things work out easily so that my life is (for lack of a better term) low stress) wasn’t an easy one to make. It really felt as though it would have been easier to have started my adult life without Jesus than having to relearn all of the Bible without the “show me the cash!” lens.
I became really upset with prosperity theology and the religious right (not that they go together by default) and the whole mentality that I’d had for so long. It was definitely a crashlanding when I realized that I had the monsterous task of relearning a 1000+ page book and that this time I didn’t get a pot of gold at the other end.
I began by asking the Lord for help. I mean, what other options are there at this point? I didn’t want to read the Word looking for some secret to helping me get more stuff faster. I wanted to read every line with the idea that I was an ill-deserving sinner headed for hell and torment but by God’s grace I was swept out of the wide path that lead to destruction. My life is strictly and only about what Jesus has done for me – not about the amount of money in my bank account or how many facebook friends I have or the company who made my car.
Isn’t it so telling that when the disciples asked Jesus to teach them how to pray, he didn’t say “make us wealthy beyond our wildest dreams”? He taught them to say “give us this day our daily bread”.
The real issue wasn’t money or being poor – the real issue was my heart. Because I can’t qualify as being poor on any level. But I’d uncousciously trained myself to be discontent no matter what because “God wanted (anything better than what I had currently) for me”.
It was so nice to throw that away, to finally be able to shake it.
It was amazing to pray and mean “your will be done” without superimposing my will on top of it.
It was a relief to be able to ok with right now and what I’m learning and what we’re going through the idea that because of my messed up heart condition, God would be quite inclined to say “no” when I prayed. Because I wasn’t praying for his Kingdom and I wasn’t praying for his will, I was just praying for stuff.
A strange example of this happened the other day. I was driving back to work on my lunch break and I was passed by a brand new Infiniti QX56. The license plate read “4 GOD”. I laughed to myself and tried to sort out what the owner was thinking but couldn’t make any sense of it.
I mean, I’m not sure what God is going to do with the luxury SUV that you’re driving. He certainly doesn’t need a vehicle to get around. Not that he cares about what you drive, he cares about your heart. But the car wasn’t for God. It was for the owner. God had nothing to do with it.
So here I am, feeling my lighter for having let go of all I’d been hauling around. I’m happier with now than I ever have been, even though since I started praying this prayer things actually got worse by the world’s standards. I’m less afraid of things not working out and that energy I was spending on being afraid, I have intentionally tried to invest in trusting the Lord regardless of what happens.