Thoughts on the first year…

N and I are coming up on our one year anniversary! It’s nutty that a year has already flown by. Goodness.

I spend a lot of time thinking about the future. And thinking about how lucky I am that I married someone as gracious and sacrificial as N! He’s already a pro husband and he hasn’t even been at it for a year. I have a LOT of work still to be as good to him as he is to me. I’m consistently amazed at how calm our first married year has been. There is really nothing I can point to expect that we were given a whole lot of grace in our marriage. It’s a truly humbling thought.

Part of me feels like our kids might stumble upon my blogs many years from now and be interested in what life was like before them. Keeping a written record is important to me on some level but I haven’t been the best at acting on it. I’ve been faced with the disconnect regarding this matter recently. As some random person on Twitter once said, action trumps everything.

Honestly, I wish I had blogged more. That’s an odd regret to be sure. But I was afraid so I kept silent frequently. Initially, my fear stemmed from an angry person in my past. I didn’t want to put anything interesting or specific online because I was worried about this person reading it and lashing out.

So, in a move very much unlike the real Tor, I shut up. I would write but never about anything important. I would touch on issues but they were never of much concern. It was just easier to enjoy living life without worrying about what the jerks thought about it when I posted it online!

But I’ve come to realize that I need to face my fear and move forward. Not acting because we’re afraid keeps us from accomplishing much, even if it’s something as seemingly unimportant as blogging. There comes a time when we just have to ignore those who would try to dissuade us from doing the things we would do without hesitation if those folks didn’t exist.

Blogging is hardly the most important thing I do but it is important to me on some small level and I want to keep at it. And let’s be honest, I’ve NEVER been the girl to just shut up because something I said or did offended someone!

So screw it. I’m just going to say what I want to say. If you have beef with it, start your own blog dedicated to how awful I am. That would be cool. As I’ve said before, there isn’t much a difference between haters and fans because they’re both talking about you and thinking about you all the time.

I want to be free from thinking about how angry someone might be over a gift I was given or how I spend my time. And I think that is going to start right now.


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