I’ll let you infer whatever you’d like from that title. It’s not 100% accurate. I don’t drink obsessively (though I love to tweet about it!), I am pretty good about eating clean food but I don’t beat myself up over a piece of pie. We’ve been married a year with some serious bouts of baby brain but didn’t get pregnant.
Still, do you understand what I’m saying?
I have no self control.
The reality is, I never needed any self control.
When I was growing up, my childhood was very heavily focused on discipline. (I saw when I was growing up because it was a little bit different for my younger siblings.) This was executed with military precision. You could never say that you didn’t know the rules or why you were being punished. Discipline might actually the biggest part of what I remember about growing up and I remember a lot.
The choices were simple. You could A) obey the rules of your own volition or B) be physically forced to obey the rules. There were no other options. And, as you can easily guess, the former was the least painful but it in a big way it was also the least helpful. I never needed to make choices about anything. It was “eat or don’t eat”, never “what would you like?” And it couldn’t have been that way. With five kids making their own decisions, things deteriorate into mob rule very quickly.
I remember the first time I was getting ready to leave my college campus with a friend. I pulled my coat on, grabbed my purse and then started running towards another friend’s dorm. It took me until almost knocking to realized that I didn’t have to tell anyone where I was going before I left.
That minor incident changed everything.
The world went from never being allowed to make a decision bigger than apple or orange, Hanson or Hillsong to I can do whatever the heck I want. And no one ever has to know.
You can use your imagination to figure how bad the next year was.
Especially after I moved back in with my parents after school.
And now? I don’t know if it’s really possible to develop self control. Is it? Has anyone else woken up in their late 20s to realize they have none or at least none where it really counts and been able to change?
This post isn’t to imply that I’m going to throw in the towel and stop trying. It’s more about confessing a weakness, (something I’m terrible at also!) and possibly reaching out and asking for help.
What are your thoughts? Does self control come naturally to you?