Ok, so life is funny.
I really struggled with feeling SO SUPER SICK (ugh) for about the last month. Sickness is very discouraging, especially if it’s chronic. It’s hard to put yourself in that headspace without ever having experienced it yourself, I’m sure. This last month has easily been the hardest I’ve ever had in my life. I really didn’t care what happened with the pregnancy, I was too miserable to care about anything at all except feeling better. I struggled with LOTS of depression and would cry looking at the calendar because 16 weeks was SO far away. I hoped I would get hit by a car on the way to work so I could stop thinking about how much it hurt to be awake.
Sharing all this because I really get why girls have abortions. It’s such a hormonal time and you can’t get #&$% done without help and you feel like you’re dying (or even that dying would be a better option) and there is a $300 out. Ummm, yeah. I never once considered it (not that Nano would have let me if I had gone that far down the rabbit hole) but I really do get it. Pregnancy is so much with a spouse. One your own? I can’t imagine. (Single moms who stuck it through – bless you!) God said it’s not good for man to be alone but it ain’t good for woman to be knocked up and alone either, honey, let me tell you!
Change of pace
Today was better. I still look super tired (thanks, coworkers, for pointing that out ALL. DAY.) but I felt much better than usual. I’m not counting on it lasting necessarily but it’s a nice break. It’s almost 7 and I haven’t been dying to crawl into bed for the past hour. Praise him! But seriously.
Susie told me about Earth Mama Angel Baby Organic Morning Wellness Tea. It was such a relief. I felt a tiny bit of queasiness tonight and had a cup with my noodle soup and baby pills. So nice!
My home page at work is msn (or mess-n as one of my friends calls it!) and the first story for a few hours today was a little 6 year old girl who drown in the Clackamas River. I started crying when I read it and had to stop reading. I’ve had moms tell me that after they became mothers they couldn’t do news stories about kids and I get it now. I can’t even imagine and I’ve only had 10 weeks to think in those terms. Ugh. Can’t write any more on this.
And, lastly, food.
I decided last night to swear off meats. Apparently Poppy (what we have been calling our little kumquat!) is a vegetarian and is very upset with mom eating meat. It just sorta sits. In my stomach. For hours. Or until I take emetrol. So fine, Poppy. Be that way. Mom was veggie for almost two years, you can’t scare me with this now! Actually, I had a vegetarian fajita burrito bowl for lunch today. I was worried cause I’m usually all chicken when I go to Chipotle but it was actually awesome. I don’t know if it’s helping me feel better or if that occurred on its own but I can definitely do no meat for a little while.
Speaking of meat, I don’t even care – I still eat sushi. And I’m not ashamed! I don’t eat shark or anything that has high mercury. But all those Japanese women do it and they all seem to live forever. Also, I can give up a glass of wine or a yummy martini but sushi? Nope. Sorry. This is why I say that I think I was supposed to be Asian!
And YES! All you “I never got sick!” mommas, I DO in fact hate you.