None of this was written with any particular order, but was simply thoughts that I’ve jotted down over the last few weeks. It’s disorganized (much like its author!) and I’m ok with that. You can be too!
Pretty sure I can feel Dillin growing right now. It’s very odd. I feel huge. Like I’m going to pop. He’s been calm today but that might change since I’m eating Ben & Jerry’s mint chocolate cookie right now.
Update: no change. He’s just been very chill the last few days. I can feel him move from place to place but no kicks or jabs to speak of.
There are moments of sheer terror when I feel like there is no way on earth I am capable of raising a child. The overwhelming-ness of it all takes over, a lot like the first drop on a roller coaster (for those of us who do not like them at least.) It’s in those moments that the Holy Spirit reminds me that I need to feel more in awe of and overwhelmed at the mercy and love of the Father in sending Jesus to die for an ill-deserving sinner like me. Nothing in my life has caused me to lean harder on the grace of God and the help of the Holy Spirit more than this pregnancy.
My pastor’s wife a few weeks ago noted that there is nothing in life that shows us our own sin like having children. This is already true for me. I see my need for a savior so much more clearly now than I did before. I’m repulsively selfish on almost every level. My pride keeps me from admitting when I’ve made a mistake or acted wrongly. God knew what he was doing when he set us to the work of raising kids. He was making us more like himself.
I have to have a game plan when I come home from work, or I just sit on my tail and eat cereal. At my husband’s insistence and my own conviction now that I am sans nausea, I have been eating very healthy. I do make exceptions for Ben & Jerry’s (Hello! My kid needs calcium!) but I’m being very intentional about what I eat. It’s strange how much better it makes me feel. Not physically (though that part doesn’t suck) but emotionally. It’s unhealthy how much pride I take in eating a good, healthy meal free from processed foods that can’t be found anywhere in nature. It’s pride. And pride in anything, good or bad, is a slippery slope.
There have been moments where I can’t help but consider the fact that I am glad I don’t remember to listen to or read the Bible every day. Not because I don’t need the word of God – to the contrary, I need it all day! – but because of the darn pride issue that I have. I say “I have” because until recently, I didn’t even care that it existed. However it becomes apparent very quickly that in order to fight pride, one must give up the search for achieving humility and instead immerse yourself in the Holy Spirit. Which brings me back to where I was going.
I cannot check off the Christian items of accomplishment every day. CAN NOT. People would tend to believe that I’m a firstborn child because of my birthday but I act like a middle child and get things done like the youngest child… as in, I don’t. But contrary to what society and, often, the church often tell us, our value in Christ does not come from our ability to accomplish tasks. I am no more holy or spiritual if I spend 1 minute in prayer than if I spend 20 hours a week in the Word. We don’t earn right standing with God because of all we can accomplish. Even better? We don’t lose right standing with God because of all we fail to do.
This is why I love being Reformed. It’s not about what I can do. I didn’t raise my spiritual self from death of my own volition and then, spiritually resurrected by my own power, choose Jesus. No, God chose me before time began. Not because he knew I would chose him. I couldn’t have chosen him. I was dead. But by his massive grace. Obviously he could have chosen someone who would get a little more done. In fact, sometimes I’m not sure why he didn’t. But apparently, since he chose me he can use (a total wreck like) me! How amazing is that?