It’s funny how this whole journey of being married and now expecting a child forces you to trust God in new ways. Two years ago, I took a leap of faith and married this guy I’d only known for five months. My friends thought I was nuts (though most of them had come to expect this type of last-minute behavior from me) and in a way, I thought I was nuts too. Even though I wouldn’t recommend that course of action to anyone, by God’s grace, our two years (thus far!) of marriage turned out better than we had hoped.
About a year after we met, I got hit with baby fever. Hard. Having a child seemed SO far away. We were both working jobs that paid the bills and that was about it. And the doctor told me I had a condition that gave me at best a 60% chance of getting a pregnancy to full term.
I wrestled this news and my emotions for several months before I convinced N that we should try. We were making a little bit more money but there weren’t really any good job prospects on the horizon, just constant applying and testing processes that took forever. And anyway, I figured I had a condition so it might take us a while to actually get a viable pregnancy.
What in my head was “a while”, for the Lord was about 48 hours. Ha. The specialist checked me out and told me that he saw absolutely no sign of my “condition” and thought it looked like a little boy. Two months (to the day?) before our due date, an amazing job offer arrived. All those prayers I had prayed were answered. With “yes” and “later”, no less. All I could say was “wow” and “thank you”. It felt so long, but I’m sure I’m not the only one who has noticed that in looking back, you can hardly remember what it feels like to wait and to not know.
I’m currently a stay at home mom with less than 4 weeks until my due date, completely in awe of the undeserved and ill-deserved grace of God that our family has received. I don’t take it for granted. And honestly, I don’t expect it to continue. I guess I’m not one of those people who thinks you have to do everything right in order for the Lord to bless you, and if you do everything right, the Lord isn’t required to bless you. “I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion.” It’s a blinding truth that overwhelms any thoughts of working/giving/serving to earn blessing or that failure to work enough, give enough, serve enough can keep the grace of the God from you.
As odd as it seems, I’m still in limbo. If Dillinger takes too long to get here, I have to check myself into a hospital in our new town were I’ve never seen a doctor, nor do I know a soul, so I can be induced and (gasp) deliver without my husband being present! Uhhh… great.
God’s never going to give me every “yes” I want at once. I’m never going to be so confident in our situation that I won’t need to turn to him for help. As soon as Dillinger is born, I’ll be depending on the Lord for a whole new set of things that I can’t even begin to imagine right now. It’s (just now?!) beginning to sink in that it doesn’t matter what stage of life we’re in as a family, I will always need to trust the Lord and will never be allowed to be confident in circumstances, paychecks, stuff. In fact, I dread the day I don’t “have” to depend solely on him just to make it through the day/week/month because self-trust always leads to disaster. I hope I always remember that.
“The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.”