One of those times when I am not feeling very thankful. Boo hiss.
I’ve been laying in the guest bedroom at my in laws’ for over two hours with Dillinger. Pretty sure he’s sick. His nose has been running and now he’s getting congested. He will sleep on my chest and screams if I move him even right next to me. There’s a pile of our stuff right outside the door that needs to be sorted so this was not how I was hoping to spend my evening. I know that I’m supposed to treasure every freaking moment because Sandy Hook could happen to anyone and all that but honestly I’m maxed out. Seeing your baby sick sucks plenty when you’re employed and can afford to pay rent. If only we were that lucky.
Tomorrow is our last day with insurance for the foreseeable future which is a huge stressor for me. Not so much for N and myself but definitely for Dillinger. Thankfully we are currently in Portland, which is full of urgent care clinics if we need them. I guess he’ll just be behind on his immunizations for the rest of the year and we’ll just pray and hope God is gracious enough to keep us from any major illness or accidents for the next six or so months. I wouldn’t be opposed to putting Dillinger on state insurance but we aren’t really residents of any state we’ll be living in. The whole situation just makes me want to cuss. A lot.
I feel like such a witch for complaining. I really do. There’s a roof over our head, money coming in (albeit much less than last year) and food to eat. I don’t have to worry about gunshots or riots or how I’ll feed my kid. At the same time, it feels dishonest to act like everything is awesome when the rug gets pulled out from under you.
Our good friends are taking us to lunch tomorrow because we haven’t seen them in a while and because we are on a “lets go to coffee” budget as opposed to a “lets go to lunch” budget. The people in our lives are beyond generous in every way. I’m excited to see them and am sure I’ll be in better spirits by then.
For now, I’ll just keep wishing I was sipping a mojito… Or three. :)
I know everyone does this. We should probably do it more often. When you’re unemployed, it seems to hold a bit more weight. And strangely, it seems easier to be thankful when your entire (financial) world is up in the air. Makes you grateful for what you have. :)
1) Today I sat at the table and was able to write checks for all our bills without worrying how we would cover them.
2) I have been able to spend the whole last half of the month with my husband. I feel soooo spoiled. There is no one I’d rather hang out with day in and day out.
3) We’ve been contacted by several people about jobs in the last week.
4) We have been selling all of our stuff because we don’t want to move it and I don’t miss it. It’s an experiment in packing light and it’s actually freeing and enjoyable so far.
5) We are all healthy! Wow. That alone is HUGE.
6) I have the cutest little jumping monkey in the world. :)
Needed to take a little break to clear my head! But the disappointment has lifted at least temporarily and I’m having a moment of clarity. I wasn’t going to write about this for a while because I wasn’t quite sure what to say but seeing as I am of clear mind for the present moment, I should share what I am learning. Or rather what I knew but now am being allowed to put into practice.
1) God doesn’t owe me anything.
Not a good life.
Not an explanation.
Everything he gives is a gift of grace. I deserve hell but he gave me Jesus.
2) When my question to God is “why?” His answer is “do you trust me?”
I have spent a good deal of time asking if we made the right choice moving here. Honestly, not moving here would have been unwise. Everything worked out exactly when it needed to for us to make this transition. Down to the very day Dillinger was born. For all the information I have, we absolutely made the right choice. Which means that where we are right now is where we are supposed to be, regardless of circumstances. Makes ZERO sense to me but that’s what it is.
3) I do not have the right to be angry. At the end of the book bearing his name, God asks Job a series of 80 questions. This after Job had spent some significant time questioning why he was suffering. The questions God asks put Job in his place, essentially stating that God didn’t need to consult Job in creating the planet and he did not need to defend himself when it came to Job’s suffering. By the grace of God, very few of us ever have to experience loss as devastating as what Job went through.
The Lord gives and The Lord takes away, Blessed be the name of The Lord.
4) I am not the main character in God’s story.
I don’t even have a starring role. I am not listed in the credits. The story does not revolve around me. If God can get more glory through our current experience than if everything had worked out the way we hoped? So be it.
Life has its difficult seasons, sure. As John Piper says, what is 80 years of suffering compared to eternal glory? Puts a lot of things in perspective for me.